Fashion? What is...this.. FASHION?

Kiddo's in bed at 8 tonight, have about an hour before I need to sleep. I have come to blog.

Topic being, a sense of fashion. Which, to put it out pretty bluntly, this word is nonexsistent in my world. Feeling always uncomfortable in my skin, thinking I had to be thinner to be able to create a fashion for myself. This is a bunch of BS. I have let alot of modern judgment get in my way of finding a fit for me as I am, right now. Not the me I will someday be, 20, 30, 100lbs from now. Whatever, really.

Being currently obsessed with the hey, fat chick tumblr, I am constantly getting inspiration. There should be NOTHING holding me back from having and creating a sense of style. These pictures on this tumblr are inspirations for my blank canvas. Highwaist skirts, belts, cute tops, leggings, tights, color. I am not some kind of leper, I dont need to hide from the world. I want to be me. Here are a few ideas, for example. Sort of as a file away on here.

This outfit is the best. I love the color and the fit. Everything.

This one is a good example of the high waisted/belted outfit I am finding myself really enjoying.

These are just 3 that I am finding as inspirations. Browsing proves that I am ok with getting in touch with my girlier side. I just need to find her more everyday.

My main resolution for this year is to simply love me. Love everything I have been blessed with. The more I love myself, the happier I am and ultimately be the best mother I can be. Reminding myself I have a daughter. I would love it more than anything for her grow up being strong in who she is, inside and out. If I can help lead her down that path, than I will.

TGIS?

Oh blessed saturday.

It honestly doesnt feel any differently than the rest of the week. My weekends begin when I don't have to wake up at 4am. Which tomorrow I do not. I still work a 10-245pm shift, which isn't too bad. Supposedly doing mark downs; like some weirdo, I love doing. The only thing that is not entirely enjoyable about being at work, is not being around the kids. I miss them, alot. The past 3.5 years I have spent either pregnant or being a mama. Hardly away from either kiddo. Once things settle down around my parts, I am going to cut back hours, earn some more my own pocket. If I want to get the kids something from me, I can. If I want to pay for breakfast for everyone, I can. If I want to slightly splurge at Rebelle, that...I can. It is also very nice being around other adults, but I think cutting back would be a good idea eventually. My kids need me more.

Anyhow, I have spent the past week with ear issues. The past 3 days with the left side of my face kinda numb, itchy and tingly. Found out I have an ear infection. Man, do they feel different when you get them as an adult. This one did not attack anything other than around my ear, draining into my submental lymph node. It feels quite contained, just weird. Luckily it didnt hit my blood stream so I dont have any other symptoms (thank god). But, the infection is seriously messing with my head. It sort of feels like the way your mouth and lips do after a good hefty visit to the dentist. The last hour or so of the numbness. If the dr.s at the ER werent too concerned about it, I'm trying not to be. I hope I still have skin left because it's also itchy and I cant really feel how hard I scratch.

Oy, it's late. Did a catch up with heyfatchick tumblr. Once I can afford it, I am going to spruce up what I wear. The website makes me fell all out ballsy about what I can wear. Sort of like an artistic inspiration. Why not? Right?

Oy..There you are!

It has been over four months since I have written last. Excuse being that I no longer have a computer of my own. Oh well. Michael is changing it sleep schedule once again, so I have free range of his computer while he sleeps. Quite nice being able to roam the net for hours... even if my hands are going to freeze off and my feet turn purple. Why the frig is it so cold in his office?! BRR.

Last few posts were political kicks, apologies. I get in my moments where I feel strong enough to put it all out there. It has been tamed, although I make no promises, I doubt you will see political posts on here again. Eh. Anyhow, I have been going through a bit of a mental process here lately. Big piece coming in tonight, actually. Which prompted me to write a blog. Now that my kiddo's are getting older, less demanding and more independent, I am having whirlwind moments of introspection. I have been feeling so lost, so it is kind of nice to start feeling like I am alive inside. Having kids is hard and full of blessing all in one. I seem to just lost parts of myself in the process.... that or not really discovering it before having them. This, I am not too sure on.

I have been major pinteresting here lately, absolutely ADDICTING! Anyway, I like it alot for its link to some gems in the world of internets. Blogs, crafts and general creative ideas. So. Many. Things. BUT, I discovered this amazing tumblr (hey, fat chick!) that is....just amazing. I live everyday with this warped idea that I am not good enough because I am fat. A very warped idea I mostly blame on my upbringing... and partly blame on myself for not being able to break out of the idea. I am working through it by trying to love my body. Love me the way that I am. It is hard. I never imagined it being this hard. My body changes every year. Lose some, then gain it back. It never goes back to where it was. lol I try to lose weight with this picture in my mind that follows what society "accepts" I guess. Media. What I see, what it portrayed as beautiful. I have been dooped. It's horrible.

So, my plan is to discover the beauty in me while I am in my body. Some ways, that I realized, that can help me with this process is to take care of myself. I do the minimum of what I need to do to get through my days. It has become a habit with the lack of free time I have had in the past few years. Goal 1 is to take care of myself. Once I feel as though I have achieved this, I move on to tranforming myself. Working on my outside to reflect my inside. The way I dress, the way I hold myself, it does reflect the sadness I have at the moment. I look unkept, frumpy and dismantled in some ways. Once I work on better-ing and accepting, I can get to my core of love and find Stephanie.

My journey begins now.